Beware, however, that you might be the toxic one for someone else. This does not mean that you are the antagonist in your own version of course, but be careful, at the same time you will always be the villain in someone’s story. There is no control over this, but that shouldn't scare you. If you are not meant to be in someone’s life, they are not meant to be in yours, and that is OK. They will prioritize themselves, and so should you.
Alan Rickman, who was 32 when he had his first acting role. So are we saying that he wasted the first thirty years of his life? Of course not, if anything, it prepared him for the next chapter of his life. I think that everybody will find themselves if they are allowed to make mistakes. That is the key here: mistakes are not necessarily a bad thing when it comes to jobs and schooling, because we learn a lot about ourselves. Stop putting pressure on you to find the right answers immediately. Go and get experiences and stop being scared of not getting it right the first time, because that is how you will find what is really meant for you. Even if we are not getting younger, I am sure that the prospect of waking up at 60 and feeling like you wasted your life is far worse than getting a couple of temp jobs over summers to see what you are good at and what you enjoy.
Dear Hank and John, from a couple years back, where John talked about how he and his wife, in a room of engaged people, were the only ones who talked about the future: the house, the kids, their dreams, all of it. They were answering the question of somebody planning to propose to their girlfriend, and they emphasized how that should not be a surprise scenario (it is the moment of the proposal, but make sure it is something you both want). I, on the other hand, only heard stories about girls being certain that their boyfriends were about to break up with them and then they showed up with the ring. Now, I have no idea what kind of relationships those were, but they did not sound like the ones where people sat down and talked about the future, if they were thinking they were about to be dumped... so what do you do in that situation? Why do you say yes? You have a 10 second window before the other person has a heart-attack, and you know what, you might change your mind after you accepted or refused their offer. Do not be afraid to do so, communicate! And that goes for everything: from deciding to go on the roller coaster you know scares the hell out of you, to trying seafood for the first time - you CAN change your mind again. And on that note: sex. Yes, it is rape if the other one doesn't stop AFTER you changed your mind and have spoken out on it. See? Communication. If you don't want to do something, that is OK, do not worry about hurting someone, you will do so by not trusting them enough to voice your concerns. So if you finally see them in front of you, and it is romantic, and you feel like saying yes, do, however, if that is where life leads, do not marry that person.
Felicity (1998), where the main character lost one of her friends, for various reasons, and she deemed her sadness over it stupid, because it is not like somebody died... but then her guidance counselor says "That is exactly what it is like". Once somebody is gone from your life there is a sort of emptiness that comes with it. And that goes also back to my point about grief not having an expiration date. But what is important, is that no matter how much you love someone, how much you click perfectly in certain things, sometimes it is just not what is supposed to happen. And you fight. You hurt each other, a lot. I have had more friendships like that than I can count... and in the end it all came down the fact that I could not love them for who they were. I, as much as I fight it, have expectations from a friendship, based on the years I spend with that given person and well, I can be impossible. And I had to learn that I cannot expect somebody to change, nor should they just to be friends with me. About a year and a half ago a friend of mine moved away from the city and well, we had problems before, but they did not really matter, until the distance made it clear that this was all one-sided. Actually, I think the other just had problems showcasing her emotions, but to me it felt like she never cared and that was the last nail in the coffin. Me wishing she be more open about her feelings towards me was something that I could ask for but should have never expected of her. I miss her, she was a special someone, but we hurt each other more as a result of it all.
You know, leaving someone while you still love them might be the hardest thing you will ever do, but sometimes it is better than letting it turn into hatred and disgust, which will leave a scar that might never heal. And the same goes for lovers, you know, when you thought that person was the one, leaving them will be a bitch, but sometimes, when you recognize the signs, trust your gut, maybe letting go is the best answer.
"Did you ever look back at some moment in your past and have it suddenly grow so vivid that all the intervening years seemed brief, dreamlike, impersonal—the motions of a May afternoon surrendered to routine?"
- Roger Zelazny, Doorways in the Sand
These might not seem like very positive messages, but actually these are the things that could have avoided me a lot of pain. And I hope they will help someone else too one day!
Until then, happy birthday to me, and well, to you if you happen to read this on a special day!