Saturday, February 25, 2012

I DO NOT LIKE TWILIGHT. Let me tell you why!

Dear reader, if you like Twilight, please do not, I am begging you, DO NOT read this entry! Why?

I do not like Twilight.

I will not write stupid things, I have very good reason for hating it and I will list these reasons. You, fan of Twilight, might be offended. And I don’t mean to offend you, no, I just want to let others know what I’ve come to disagree with. I do not wish to have hateful comments, because I don’t like to be offended either. So even if I love it, when readers find my blog, I don’t want to be mean to anybody, so keep that in mind if you want to continue reading. Especially because you reader, if you like Twilight, you do because you love one of the actors. And I really don’t want to talk about the actors (I will), but mainly this review is about the problems I’ve encountered watching them. But because of your love, trust me, you will be offended!

That said, no, I have never read the books. So why did I watch the movies? Somebody told me, that I can’t bitch about it, if I haven’t even seen it. So I watched all of them. So now I can bitch all I want!

If you don’t know what Twilight is about, then, first of all, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING THE PAST 5 YEARS??!!!! Second, here is a quick recap:

It’s about a horny chick who wants to fuck a vampire!” from: Noah Antwiler ‘Spoony’ (to see review click here!)

Bella Swan is a 17 year old girl, who moves to the little town of Forks, to be with her dad, because her mom remarried and she can’t go on their big honeymoon trip, because she needs to stay in school. There she encounters a childhood friend, Jacob ’Jake’ Black, a youngster of indian decent. She also meets a strange boy by the name of Edward Cullen, who only hangs out with his brothers and sisters. Bella finds out that he is a vampire, while Jacob is a werewolf. She falls deeply in love with Edward, although she has feelings for Jacob as well, but realizes that the one for her is Edward. The two get married and have a daughter, but Bella almost dies of childbirth, when she is turned into a vampire as well. This was the end of movie 4 part 1. Not having read the books, I don’t know what the ending will be, however, we have more than enough ground to cover already, so let us get to it.

The first problem I need to raise, is the titles. After the movie, each movie title had the beginning of “The Twilight Saga”, I don’t get that. Were they worried, that people wouldn’t know that the ones starring the same people would be the sequels? Have you seen the books? Besides a couple of sentences in the back, nothing signals that this is the next book to the great phenomena, nope, you know by looking at it that these are the same. The same way you would guess from either the trailer or the poster. And ‘Saga’… really? Harry Potter isn’t a saga, do you think you are better than Harry Potter Twilight? You are not. Back to the Future isn’t a saga, Saw isn’t a saga, and that has so many sequels that you can’t even count them!

My second problem is the concept of the vampires. I mean, he sparkles… and you know what? Sparkle the fuck away, I don’t even care about that, but there are mainly three things I want, more likely I NEED in a vampire, and Twilight doesn’t have either of those:
    1, the teeth
    2, sleeping in a coffin
    3, sensitive to crosses and holy water /and holy ground/
I really don’t think I am asking for much. Am I? I don’t care about the jumping, the somewhat not vampiric speed running, or even the sparkling. You can add as many features as you like, but don’t shatter the general rules of a vampire!  I’ve heard rumors that the writer, Stephanie Meyer, has never heard about vampires when she began to write the book, which raises a question in me… uhm, Ms. Meyer? Yeah, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT VAMPIRES IF YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THEM??!!
And fine, fine, you are right, these are mythical creatures, a fragment of our imagination, and you are right: I have no reason to trash her visions, if she likes it like this, go ahead. But this is one of the reasons why I don’t like it… And you know what? Fuck it! I will trash the goddamn sparkling! A vampire is supposed to DIE when they walk in the sun! I couldn’t care less if they sparkled in general, but please, what is it that can kill these vampires? The sun is a fail safe, in case you don’t have other resources to kill them! But in the third movie, it’s like, “let’s have a fight in the woods.” WOOD CAN KILL YOU! Why in the world are you people hanging out in the goddamn woods? I love those vampire movies, where everybody, including vampires, is walking around with sticks, so when they do encounter the bad guy, they can surely kill them. And all the three movies try to build up the fact that even if they are vampires, they are not animals. They don’t feed on humans, they keep to themselves, which is very cute, but than you have a fight scene where they kill other vampires WITH THEIR BARE HANDS!!! All this build up for nothing!

This brings me to something that makes me scratch my eyes out. The characters… the casting… I used to like Kristin Stewart. Everybody has commented on this before, unfortunately I have to too, because I am simply troubled, because I can’t tell what is wrong with her. She has no facial expressions whatsoever. Why? Who’s wonderful idea was it to glue her face into one position? She meets the love of her life, same face; she loses the love of her life, same face; she attempts suicide, same face; she gets married to her love, same face; her husband won’t have sex with her, same face; her baby is literally killing her from the inside, same face. Two times she shows some sort of emotion, when her dad tries to talk to her about safe sex and she gets embarrassed, and when she breaks her hand punching Jacob. That’s it. Why? What the hell happened? What did I miss in her life that made her lose the ability to move the muscles on her face? Or is this why they hired her? Which dumb director or producer's idea was it to tell her ‘you know, when you are like really bored during a class? Do that face, it’s an Oscar winner!’. I don’t get it. Further on with the casting, no, I do not like Robert Pattinson, but I don’t care about him (I have personal problems with this actor, it doesn’t particularly involve Twilight, so there is really no reason for me to tell you about it here), my problem is with Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone and Peter Faccinelli. I love all of them, great actors, but WHY DID YOU DYE THEIR HAIR THE OPPOSITE COLOR OF THEIR REAL HAIR? They look like they are wearing wigs. It looks dumb! Look at this picture I put together. Even with the white/dead-like make up, they would look so much nicer with their real hair, so why dye it? Because it’s in the book probably.

And, about that, the movies take the books and shits on it! Think about book number two: Edward is barely in it, why? Because it is about the story of Bella and Jacob, of how he falls in love with her and how she feels bad about having feelings for him, while she knows that she promised herself to Edward. BUT WHAT DID THE WRITERS DO? This is unbelievable, but they added, I am not kidding you, they ADDED visions of Edward, which Bella has, so the Pattinson fans would watch the second movie! HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN IT, but he IS! And fine, OK. What simply amazes me is that people see this guy (whom I find repulsive) and fall in love with him so much that they never criticize the movies! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH SHIT PEOPLE GAVE ME, BECAUSE HARRY POTTER ISN’T 100% LIKE THE BOOK? And I dared to like the movies?! AND THIS MOVIE GETS AWAY WITH IT? FUCK THAT! I started going around and telling people, that it isn’t like this in the book, just to piss them off! Because fuck you, if you want to ruin my night of watching an awesome movie, I’ll ruin yours too! For example, I am sure that in the books we get to know these characters, but not in the movies! Tell me one thing that you know about Bella and Edward! I dare you! Edward likes to play baseball and that’s it! We are supposed to believe that there is this unbreakable eternal love among these two when we know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about either of them! Edward wants to get married and Bella doesn’t want to grow old so she asks Edward to turn  her into a fucking vampire like 3000 times… AND the one single time Edward DOES want to turn her, she says no, because she wants to stay human on their honeymoon. Edward supposedly breaks Bella’s spine when they have sex, while in the movie she only whines that he won’t fuck her another time, because he is worried he will hurt her… TURN HER INTO A VAMPIRE! The whole 4th movie is them crying about him being terrified of hurting her, while she has been begging him to turn her into a vampire for the last 3 movies, WHY NOT DO IT? I am pretty sure that your magical penis can’t hurt her anymore if you turn her into a living corpse with superpowers! JUST DO IT! And this wonderful idea ends in her getting pregnant with a demon child that is feeding on her from the inside. Well done! I see no faults in this plan whatsoever!

But let us get back to books vs. movie adaptations: I go to the cinema to see the new Harry Potter, somebody tells me “You know, that’s not how it was in the book. The book is lot better.”, with a smirk on their face and a content smile, and I just say “OK then, go and read you fucking book and leave me alone!”. Some people don’t like to read, and that is fine. Movies cannot be 100% same to the book, firstly because movies are addressed to a wider audience, secondly it is simply impossible if they have either a 90 or a 120 minute time frame they need to fit into. But if people can bitch about every comic book based movie, if people get to judge every Harry movie, then please, do not let Twilight get away with it!

My biggest concern is how crazy girls got over this! You know "Team Jacob" and "Team Edward"? One actress, whom shall not be named, said on the Tonight Show that she is for Team Jacob, and the girls routing for Edward filled her Twitter page with so much shit and disgusting comments that she had to cancel her account. DO YOU THINK THAT IS NORMAL??!! First of all, girls of Team Edward, YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY! If this actress happens to encounter Robert Pattinson (which is highly more likely than ANY OF YOU), she will NOT take him from you! You are already at least a million, shouldn't you be glad that she is not a threat, instead of pissing her off so fucking bad that she might want to get revenge on you? GOOD THINKING dumb teenage idiots!

Anyway, before watching the fourth movie, I listened to several famous movie reviewers to see what they thought of. I’ve encountered several different opinions.

In the meantime you get a lot of Kristen Stewart staring moodly about to cool music as we await plot. (…) Twilight 4, Breaking Dawn part 1, you are riding the line. Stupid, beautiful? Which one is it?… Probably stupid.” from: Catherine Reitman of ‘Breakin’ It Down’ (check out her page here!)

Ok, so in the third movie Bella is still this stone cold sociopath she was in the previous films. And it’s still a complete mystery as to why anyone in their right fucking mind would fight, to the death, over this person.” from: The Cinema Snob (to see review click here!)

That is why I love these movies. They always leave you wanting more! More common sense, more logical reasoning.” from: Nostalgia Critic (click here to see review!)

I finally figured out Edward’s acting pattern. Robert Pattinson, if you imagine this whole time his acting, he is trying to pass a kidney stone.” from: Noah Antwiler ‘Spoony’ (to see the next review click here!)

Along with the one from Noah Antwiler ‘Spoony’ up in the beginning of the entry, I’ve come to realize that nobody liked the fourth movie. Bella didn’t do shit, Jacob, who proved to be the better man, the more caring of all, gets the sack once again. He figures out how Bella can survive, he keeps hanging around even though she has to see his love with her husband! Edward too, he only cried around, feeling sorry about knocking Bella up, which, to be honest is always a possibility if you have unprotected sex! But mostly their one common thought was that even before, if the movies were stupid, they were still enjoyable. They had several laugh-out-loud moments, it was a bit goofy (e.g. in the first movie the high school kids tell Bella that the Cullens disappear every time the sun comes out… get a fucking clue kids! Or when Edward just appeared in the air while Bella was attempting suicide? “Bella this is really messing up your hair.” from: Spoony), but this last movie dared to touch arguments of immense weight, like teenage wedding and pregnancy, abortion, and pretends, yes PRETENDS to really deal with the issue, while it simply just laughs into its face. Probably they wanted to warn young kids, I mean those fans who watch these movies, but really, they don’t care, and the lesson that you get from the movie is: if your mother instinct kicks in, fuck everybody, have the baby, even if it means that you’ll probably die because of it. That’s a great lesson. The average girls from 13 to 17 years old really needed to hear that, as if we hadn’t had already enough contestants on 16 and Pregnant. Another problem Doug Walker ‘Nostalgia Critic’ pointed out is that Edward seems to be against this pregnancy all along, and he found it offensive that this guy is supposed to be the person who rapresents men. This is not how everybody reacts and it is disgusting that this story line portrays to young girls that the news of a pregnancy would bring the pro-abortion version of your boyfriend out. And Jacob… for God’s sake this boy gave up everything for this dumb bitch and what does Edward do? He stares quietly. That’s fucking wonderful. Jacob almost dies for Bella, he leaves his family, his herd, he breaks the law for her and yeah, she still chooses Edward, after saying “I have a friendship with you nobody will understand.” IN FRONT OF EDWARD!

I kinda lied before, you know what? I sad that Stephanie Meyer didn’t understand men, women, anything… for a mormon she actually gets gay men pretty well. And that surprised me. (…) And by gays I mean werewolves. This is the most paper thin allegory for gayness I have seen since X-Men.” from: Noah Antwiler 'Spoony'

This referring to the fact, that there is a conversation where Bella asks Jacob if he can, quote “Stop” being a werewolf, where he replies, that it is not a choice … uhm, OK. Also, I don’t mind that he is shirtless, because if I had a body like that, I would be shirtless all the time too. That still doesn’t justify the half naked tickle fights he has with his wolf friends… that’s just off.
So yeah, I don’t really care about neither boy when fundamentally my problem is that I don’t care about Bella.

Think about her friends and her mother, whose lives would be devastated if her suicidal thrill-seeking ended her life. Does she care? No, because she can’t see beyond her own needs, acting for months like a petulant child denied her favorite toy. When it becomes clear that becoming a vampire would call off the truce between the Cullens and the werewolves, does Bella care that her incessant demands to become a vampire would therefore put the Cullens (who she claims to care about) in constant, mortal danger? No. Does she care that people are dying, being torn apart by wolves, sucked dry by vengeful vampires, all because she doesn’t have the good sense to get away from undead monsters? No. Does she care that her dad, who dotes on her constantly (only God knows why) has to clean up after these bodies? No. Does she even spare a moment to consider Edward’s feelings against turning her into a monster like him? No.” from: Noah Antwiler 'Spoony'


In conclusion, there is only one character who I like and based on every review that I've heard and seen, he is the only one others like too: mustache dad (fine, fine his name is Charlie, but still, you knew who I was talking about right away, didn't you?). This poor guy, about whom Bella didn't give a shit for over 10 years, has to raise her now. In the first movie, she almost gets hit by a car and is bitten by a vampire. In the second one she runs in the woods until she literally almost drops dead from exhaustion, the vampire lady is still out to kill her, she wakes up in the night screaming out of pain and her dad has to calm her, I mean this poor dude never gets any sleep! Then she breaks her hand on Jacob's face, to which his reaction is priceless! He just rolls his eyes, like "Well, this was bound to happen sooner or later..."; she keeps coming home with cuts and bruises and it really doesn't matter that he grounds her, because her boyfriends keep jumping in through the window anyway! This guy obviously knows that Edward is trouble, and let's be honest, being with him IS trouble, and tries to warn her, keep her from him and she doesn't give a shit! Hell, she even marries this dude, and you can see the father just giving up over the wedding invitation, I mean if you are this stupid then go to hell! And yet, this poor soul keeps worrying about her all through the movie, no wonder, she says "I'm feeling better, so I'm going to a hospital in Switzerland." WHAT?! ... But my favorite moment is in the third movie, where the father reads about a serial killer on the loose and that's when he decided to un-ground Bella, yeah, let the girl go out while there is imminent danger outside! I think he secretly does want to get her killed!

Anyway, this is why I don't like Twilight. I can understand if you like one of the boys (although, not really), but please don't ever come to me explaining why Bella is such a wonderful character, because I don't care. I really don't. Leave me alone Twilight, LEAVE ME ALONE!!

There was a rumor that Robert Pattinson won't be in the 5th movie, don't worry, he will be (unfortunately). That is a pay check he won't refuse, actually, I believe that he only said it to get a more money, think about Harry Potter, did they recast? No. Losing Pattinson fans would be to great a loss for the last movie. Think rationally and you'll see, he'll be in it. They sad he was too old to play a 17 year old... he is 25. His face hasn't changed one bit in the past 3 years. Don't kid yourself!
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Imdb Link:

Cast:
Charlie - Billy Burke
Rosalie - Nikki Reed
Emmett - Kellan Lutz
Alice - Ashley Greene
Carlisle - Peter Facinelli
Renee - Sarah Clarke

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