Saturday, October 29, 2011

My Favorite ER Quotes (1)




"- Carter used to be in the circus.
- A clown?
- Human cannonball. Until I got fired."


"- You want me to call a psych consult?
- No, I just think he is stupid."


"- Can I see a doctor this century?
- Hang on.
- If I'll be hanging any longer I'll be dead.
- If you are talking, you are not dying!"


"I'm starting to think ER stands for 'everyone is retarded'."


"- A have this hangnail. And it really hurts.
- I have a brain tumor. It's inoperable.
- What?
- I win."


"- Pupils reactive? Then she can wait.
- She's an old ER patient.
- Ma'am, do you know where you are?
- A hospital. A crappy one.
- I'd say she's pretty lucid."


"(about Neela)
Abby  - I hate her.
Susan - She's a med student.
Abby  - I'm a med student.
Susan - You're right, let's hate her together."


"- What's with all these boxes, Frank?
- It's where I keep my lists of idiotic questions."


"- Chest pain, scratchy groan.
- I've already got 8 on the board.
- And I've got 12, what's your point?"


"- George?
- What, you don't like George? It's the name of the first president. The quiet Beatle.
- The current occupant of the White House.
- Well, no name is perfect."


"- Abby what would you do if the UE was normal on two year old with fever no sores?
- Call it viral syndrome. Have them follow-up with a PMD.
- What if the kid vomited while they were in triage?
- Give him a rectal dosage and explain to the parents that fever won't hurt him.
- And what would you do if a med student asked you out?
- Ahh... call for a psych consult."


"Med student - Do you know if Abby is seeing anyone?
Frank - Just me. It's a casual sexual relationship but we are always looking for a third."


"- Doc, can I ask you a question?
- No."


"- How did this happen?
- My sister pulled the TV down on me.
- It was an accident.
- I guess it really is true. TV is bad for the kids."


"Margaret if you turn these lights off again, I'm gonna beat you to death with a fruit cake!"


"- Weaver?
- Yes. Also known as the four letter word beginning with 'c'.
- Crab?"


"- Abby, could you excuse me? I need to go yell at someone.
- Have fun."


"- Students want to be residents.
- Residents want to be attendings.
- And attendings want to be left alone."


"- You know, 'The Show Must Go On'.
- Yeah. Why is that exactly? I mean why can't the show stop, once a while?"


"- Pratt, what are you doing down there?
- Lewis, what are you doing up there?"


"- Where are all the doctors?
- Who are you looking for?
- Anyone. Carter, Weaver, Pratt. I'm not picky.
- Carter is stuck in triage, Pratt is on at midnight and Weaver is MIA.
- What else is new?
- Kovac is sleeping.
- With who? Thought he was suspended.
- He's back. In the lounge."


"- There wasn't much teaching. He seemed irritated by the students questions.
- Well, they wouldn't shut up."


"- Can I give another 4 morphine to Mr. Mckenzie?
- Do you think he needs it?
- No, I just want him to stop breathing."


"- I think I know why you got fluid in your lungs.
- I take long showers."


"- So the rumors are true.
- Yes. And I'd like you to be my bridesmaid. Maid of honor. Whatever. I---
- Well, normally I'd say no, because of the dress and the matching shoes. But this time, it's because you had a total brain lapse."


"(Christmas episode)
- Guess what I got you.
- A glass frog.
- How did you know?
- Not even close?
- Page me when you get a clue."


"- Was that Jodie?
- How did you know her name?
- Because she calls Frank about 8 times a day and I talk to her about 3 times.
- That's great.
- Must have been. Your fly is down."


"Sir, you are blind, maybe you shouldn't drive."


"- Did you have breakfast?
- Yeah. I had a diet soda and two saltines.
- That doesn't sound like breakfast.
- We're gonna be thin and tan at Spring Break, even if it kills us.
- Yeah, well you're on your way."


"Neela, since you have been ignoring Dr. Crenshaw's pages, he asked me to read you this out loud: 'Get your ass into the trauma room, now!' "


"- I'll see you in court.
- No, you won't.
- Oh, you think I won't sue you too?
- You're not gonna live that long."


"- ER is the last place where you should be.
- Really? I like it here.
- Now I definitely know you're sick."


"- Mrs. Reynolds had a subjective fever last night.
- Which magically resolved along with her abdominal pain after passing gas.
- You're gonna charge my insurance company 50 grand to tell me I needed to fart?"


"- Why did you think that?
- Well I assumed.
- When you 'assume' you make an ass out of you and me.
- What?
- Never mind."


"- In the meantime you're in charge.
- What if there is an emergency?
- Call a doctor."


"If you got the flu, it is too late FOR A FLU SHOT!"


"No, I do like your mother I just don't want to have dinner with her three nights in a row."

"- Are you sexually active?
- No, mostly I just lie there."

"- Who's next?
- Ho-ho-ho.
- Santa Clause?
- No, that's who's next: three hookers."

"- You OK?
- Oh, somebody that talks to me. You must've not gotten the memo."

Jerry: "You're in early."
Randy: "I have no life."

Lydia: "We have two bounce-back migraines.
Weaver: "One of which could be mine."

"- Randy, how long is Abby's mom going to sit in chairs?
- I bet three days. Wanna join the pool?"


"- I never had to remind my husband about Valentine's day.
- I had to remind mine we were married.
- Oh, that is not good.
- No, it's not."

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